Currently O God, The Aftermath By Norma Jean see related

Why do I want to say I love you but secretly want to choke you at the same time?

So I didn't have sex with NMD. But there's so much more to this story.

So I go to his house on Saturday. We're messing around and laughing and having a good time. I could totally tell where this was going so I said "No, no, wait. I can't have sex with you."

"Why?"

"Because I'm not who you really want to be with. You don't have those kind of feelings for me."

"How do you know?"

"Because you would've told me by now."

"You know I have feelings for you."

"You do?"

"Ummm, duh."

But I still felt that sex wasn't a good idea. But the sweetest thing happened.

While we do have sex and fool around a lot, we don't really kiss and make-out much. But this weekend, we kissed and made-out a lot. I've never gotten "fireworks" when I kissed someone, except for him. My pulse quickens, music plays in my head and I can see fireworks. I love it when I'm walking away from him and he'll grab my hand, pull me back and kiss me while he runs his fingers through my hair.

So I spent the night and I wake up at 2:30 and go out to my car and leave for work. My shift was going to start at 3:00 so it was perfect timing. But my car was out of gas and wouldn't start. I didn't have a back-up ride. Which meant that even if I could find one, I would be way late for work. So I called and explained the situation to my boss and she said that if I didn't get to work that I was fired. So I told her "You can't fire me, bitch. Because I quit." That felt sooooo good.

So now I have no job. Here's some very unfortunate factors in the situation:

1. I'm way overdrawn on my bank account. By like $300.

2. NMD and I are both compulsive shoppers.

3. We are also both very impulsive.

4. We also both love to spend money (that we don't even have) when we're sad or depressed.

5. We're both depressed.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that NMD is depressed. Apparently he gave his ex-girlfriend Hannah an utimatum and told her to either choose to be with him now and stop dragging him along, or choose that they're never getting back together. She chose never. So now he's depressed, too. But atleast he's done with Hannah. I hope.

Anyway, to lift our spirits, we completely drained my checking account of any money it might've had (now I'm probably close to $700 overdrawn) and splurged on useless bullshit that neither of us needed. Now I really need a job. Fuck.

So when we get back to his house, we started watching a movie. But him and his mom got into a fight about some bullshit so he decided that we were going to leave for the night. I went to warm up the car. When he finally came outside he informed me that his mom had now kicked him out and that he has a month to get all of his stuff out of her house.

So we drove to Madison. I'll spare you on the details. Needless to say, we had a very long, good talk. He's now staying with a friend, Jake, in Madison. Actually, right now I'm at the college and he's about two blocks away from where I am right now. I'm constantly reminded of that while I'm in class.

Last time I talked to him was when I left Jake's apartment at about 2 a.m., early Monday morning. It feels like that was weeks ago.

I'm going to my friend Nicky's house tonight. She'll lift my spirits.

peace. love. kfm.

so, i'm not dead... yet.

I'm going to see NMD tonight. My plan is to just hang out. If he tries to kiss me/romance me/have sex with me, I will tell him "No, because I'm not who you really want." I really need strength for this. It's so hard to say no to something that you want more than anything. Please keep your fingers crossed for me.

Work tonight. I won't be eating much. I've already had a macaroni and cheese Lean Cuisine and glass of milk. 495 calories.

Wish me luck for tonight.

peace. love. kfm.

Currently Listening We Are Pilots By Shiny Toy Guns Waiting see related

I think I feel like dying

The end is near. I can feel it.

Trust in this. I wouldn't lie to you. Or would I? Who fucking cares anymore. I'd like it all to end.

I'm tired of being dragged around by NME. Everytime I see him, he either hates Hannah or is more in love with her than ever. And then we fuck. So where does that leave me? Chasing my own tail, so to speak.

We're going nowhere fast.

I'm tired of crying myself to sleep every night. Just like NMD does. I told him we should just pull a Hitler and Eva and kill each other. It would be romantic. He laughed and said yeah. I don't think he knew I was being serious. Maybe he did.

There's one major problem with us having a double suicide. I'm the only one that he's ever told what he want after he dies and vice versa. It's not like it'd matter, though. We'd both be dead.

We're moving in together in January. We've already started looking for apartments in Madison. I was sitting on his bed, he was lying on it with his head in my lap. We were talking about how exciting it'll be after we move in together. I told him that after the first night we stay in our new apartment, the next morning I would make him breakfast in bed. I told him I'll make him crepés with whipped cream and a glass of Minute Maid Berry Punch. And then we'd snuggle. He smiled and put his arms around me when I told him that.

I told him that I'm falling for him a few weeks ago. He hasn't stopped talking to me so it obviously hasn't scared him off.

I've been losing weight. Last time I checked, I was 247 lbs. That's the lowest number yet. It's not like I care anymore.

If I don't write in my xanga again within the next few weeks, rest assured that I am no more.

Rot In Pieces.

peace. love. kfm.

p.s. GObama

Life is like a fucking tilt-a-whirl; it's all fun and games until someone pukes on your lap.

Fuck me running, being a vegetarian is hard.

I start anew today. No meat. But this time around I won't make the mistake of over-compensating with too many carbs. I weigh nearly 30 lbs. less than I did the last time I went vegetarian. Mostly, I owe that weight-loss to all the drugs I did between June 2007 through April 2008. I'm setting a goal for Halloween. I'm currently 256 lbs. October 31st is 12 days away. So here are my goals.

By October 31st, 2008:

- 12 days without meat.

- lose 8 pounds. Goal weight of 248 lbs.

- absolutly NO sugared sodas/juice drinks/energy drinks/sugared coffee drinks.

- 8 oz. of water/ 4 serving of water from my gigantic water bottle.

- intake of no more than 1000 calories per day for Days 1 through 3.

- intake of no more than 800 calories per day for days 4 through 6.

- intake of no more than 500 calories per day for days 7 through 12.

- atleast one piece of fruit every day.

- atleast 1 hour of physical activity every day.

I can do this. I can do this. I can do this. In fact, I'll go grab my water bottle right now.

-----

Okay, my water bottle's filled. Let's lay out my plan.

Day 1

- 3/4 carrot walnut muffin, 300 calories

- 1/2 tomato & mozzarella panini, 390 calories

- 2 cups 1% milk, 204 calories

Total Intake so far: 894 calories

[x] no meat

[x] no sugar drinks

[x] [ ] [ ] [ ] 22 oz. bottle of water

[x] less than 1000 calories

[ ] piece of fruit

[ ] 1 hour of physical activity

--------

Tomorrow is Monday. Tomorrow is my first day of my college CNA course. It's Mondays, Tuesdays and Thurdays from about 4 pm through 9:30 pm. I'm scared because I'm also finishing up my last semester of high school. I graduate in January. But I only have one day of high school this week and two days next week. That should help to ease me into this new routine.

Last night, NMD called while I was at work. I called him back once I got home. We've made plans for this week. I told him I'd come over after class on Thursday and stay the night. We'd hang out Friday. He told me okay and that I'm staying the night on Friday, too. He said he's happy he gets to see me but he wishes he could see me sooner. So I told him okay, I'll come over on Monday night after class and stay the night, too. That made him happy. And the fact that I get him all to myself for five days this week makes me happy, too. =]

I want to be beautiful for him. I want to be skinny for him. I know he clearly doesn't care but he's so good to me that he deserves to have someone beautiful, and I want it to be me.

And now for the drama...

So last week when I stayed over at his house, he told me he was completely over Hannah. You remember Hannah, right? That horrible bitch of an ex-girlfriend?

So he told me that he deleted her number from his phone. He also said he went through all of his friends on his myspace and deleted a bunch of them, including her. I was so proud.

So when I go home the next day, I go on myspace. Sure enough, he deleted a bunch of his friends and I'm now on his Top 8. =]

But guess who is number 1 is. It's fucking Hannah.

So he lied and said he deleted her. Why would he do that? I'm asking him about it when I go over there tomorrow.

Anyways, I need to go get ready for work.

peace. love. kfm.

Currently Listening ¡Viva la Cobra! By Cobra Starship The City is at War see related

Well, bend me over the couch and fuck me, why don't cheya?

The first three days of vegetarianism went wonderfully. Until yesterday.

I never noticed how much meat my family consumes. It's sickening. I broke down and had bologna sandwichs today and yesterday because that was my only option. I threw them up both times. Meat is disgusting. Tomorrow, mommy dearest is going to the store and buying the veggie stuff on the list I made for her.

I'm not even going to bother totaling today's intake.

Tomorrow's a new day.

--------

Ahhh, yes. NMD.

My darling.

He's enrolled in college now. It's important to me because I don't have a lot of friends with ambition. It's a nice change of pace.

I stayed at his house on Monday. I always sleep so well when I'm next to him.

Crazyness of the day?

He went vegetarian too! On the exact same day as me! This wasn't planned or anything. Neither of us knew that the other had become a vegetarian.

Proof that it's meant to be.

And if not, it's atleast proof that he's my twin soul.

I love the way he looks when he's lying next to me. He's got the most perfect complexion and the softest skin of anyone I know. I love the way the sunlight caresses his cheek as I gently kiss him awake. I didn't want to leave his side the next morning. I just wanted to stay nestled in his warm bed, our legs tangled up together.

He's my Beautiful Tragedy.

peace. love. kfm.